Book Club
by Editor-Bug
Summary: "Want to rule the world? Join Book Club!" Well, sounds like the perfect club for Zim. Prepare for some literary doom. One-shot! Just for laughs!


(A/N: I saw a poster at my school that said "Want to rule the world? Join Book Club!" and I instantly thought of Zim. I thought this would be funny, so...here it is! I hope you enjoy!)

"Now, children," Ms. Bitters announced to her class."this is how we defend ourselves against wilderness attack."

"Ms. Bitters," Dib said from just in front of his teacher's desk."Is this realistic defense training? I mean, what are the odds that we're going to run into killer otters in the wilderness anyway?"

"SILENCE!" Zim, who was dressed as the killer otter, shouted at his nemesis."You're just afraid of my amazing otter beast strength overpowering you! Let us do this!"

"Um, okay..." said a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes. He was the representative of the Wilderness Club, who were presenting today. He had asked for volunteers, and Ms. Bitters pretty much just threw Zim and Dib up there.

"Alright, Dib, pretend you're an innocent camper in the woods."

"Uh...right," Dib sat on the cardboard log and turned on the holographic campfire. He whistled a little tune.

"Okay, good!" The Wilderness Club representative gave Dib a quick thumbs-up."But, oh, wait! What's that rustling in the bushes?!"

Zim made little rustling noises before leaping from behind the faux bush. He roared loudly.

"Since when do otters live in bushes?" Dib muttered skeptically.

"Oh, no! It's a killer otter!" cried the representative, his adolescent voice squeaking and cracking."And it's attacking...!"

"FEEL MY AQUATIC WRATH, HUMAN!" Zim forcefully tackled Dib to the ground and scratched at him.

"AH! OW! Hey, watch the hair!" Dib tried to push Zim off of him."Geez, why are you taking this so seriously?! It's just a demonstration! Ouch!"

Zim tore at Dib's trench coat, a ferocious spirit seeming to fill him."This is no demonstration! Your intestines shall be my breakfast, your pancreas my lunch, AND YOUR KIDNEYS A LIGHT SNACK! HAHAHA!"

The representative boy nodded. He looked down at his wilderness manual."But, luckily, a good camper is always prepared with an otter taser."

He pulled one out of his pocket and tossed it over to Dib.

"Ooh, neat!" Dib caught the taser and quickly shocked his assailant with it.

"AHHHHHHH!" Zim shrieked, cloaked in blue electricity. He wondered how that taser was working, considering the fact that he wasn't an otter...

Dib stopped shocking him and Zim fell to the ground, panting. Dib stood and began dusting himself off.

"...you're not getting away that easily, camper boy! HIYAHHH!" Zim charged over and snatched the taser from Dib. Despite the numerous bruises, he was pretty vigorous...

"Hey! That's- -YYYOWWW!" Dib exclaimed as Zim electrocuted him. (A/N: Seriously, is this thing even for otters anymore...?)

The two rivals proceeded to swipe the taser and shock each other multiple times before Ms. Bitters couldn't take it anymore.

"ENOUGH!" As soon as she yelled, it was instantly silent."The demonstration has ended! Dib, Zim, return to your seats before I change my mind about deciding to let you live today!"

Dib did as she said, and Zim reluctantly returned the taser to the blond kid.

"And take off that ridiculous costume!" Ms. Bitters ordered him.

Zim let out a small grunt, then begrudgingly saluted, unzipped the otter suit, shoved it into the blond's arms and marched over to his seat.

"So, if you want to learn more cool stuff like that, you should join the Wilderness Club!" the representative concluded cheerfully.

No one clapped.

Ms. Bitters frowned."That was the worst reason to join anything I've ever seen. You are hereby banished to another, more horrid dimension."

She snapped her bony fingers, and the cute blond kid, plus all his wilderness stuff, was sucked up into a dark vortex as he let out shrill screams. With another snap, the portal disappeared.

Everyone was just relieved to have that annoyingly happy kid gone forever.

"The week of club presentations has finally ended," Ms. Bitters continued."So, remember, EVERYONE must join a club, or suffer a horrible fate. Just be glad it's only for the week."

The bell rang.

"Now get out of here."

Zim slowly exited the classroom, thinking of which club would be the most tolerable. His class didn't get to see ALL the club presentations, but there were posters posted around Skool promoting them.

He was considering joining the Moose Club when his favorite big-headed Earth defender showed up.

"So, Zim!" he said in that obnoxious voice of his."Which club are you planning to join? I don't see any around here for villainous aliens."

"Mark my words, camper boy! I shall join a club, a club unmatched by any club you could ever join!" Zim shot back at him.

"Oh, yeah? Well, at least I've decided." Dib pulled a poster out of his pocket and shoved it into Zim's face."That's right! I'm joining the UFO Club!"

"Why would they make a club for only one person?" Zim asked, confused.

Dib blushed and put the poster away."There are going to be other people there! Probably!"

"Uh-huh. Sure..." Zim walked past him.

Dib gave the alien one last hateful glare, then proceeded home.

Zim, on the other hand, continued his search for club ideas. One better than Dib's. (A/N: Pretty much any other one.)

He saw a poster for Debate Club. He thought that might be good, he would get to yell at people. But Zim had no knowledge of Earth politics whatsoever, and he didn't care to know.

He saw a poster for Fencing Club. He would get to poke people with swords and shove them to the ground. But...there were a lot of rules involved...like, you weren't even allowed to kill your opponent.

"Which is a club worthy of Zim's glorious membership?!" Zim exclaimed, causing multiple people to stare at him."WHICH OOOOONE?!"

Then he spotted a poster that really captured his attention.

It depicted a small human boy, sitting on planet Earth and reading a book. Beneath that, it read: "Want to rule the world? Join Book Club!"

Zim made a smile similar to that of the Grinch.

"YES..."

XXXXXXXSOONXXXXXXX

When Zim arrived at his base, he found GIR rolling around in a bunch of toilet paper.

"I...don't remember buying toilet paper..." he muttered to himself.

GIR sat up and greeted his master."HI!"

"No time, GIR! Quickly, clear the living room. I must fill it with books in preparation for 'Book Club' next week!"

"Books ARE yummy..." nodded GIR, scooping up the toilet paper.

Zim ignored him and continued."With their knowledge within my already knowledgeable mind, I will be able to rule the world! Or at least that's what the poster said. Now I just need books."

"I have one!" A book popped out of GIR's head and landed in Zim's hands.

"'The Three Little Piggies And The Big Bad Wolf'?" Zim read in confusion.

GIR nodded happily.

Zim skimmed over the pages."This is purely fictional! Can't humans write things that make sense?!"

"Read it, read it!" GIR jumped excitedly."REEEAD IT!"

"I desire another book!" Zim threw the first one onto the floor and called to his more loyal robot servant."Minimoose!"

"Nyah!" squeaked Minimoose from right beside Zim.

"AH!" Zim jumped in surprise."Oh. You're right there. Minimoose, fetch me a book with content actually worth reading. Not GIR's silly pig book!"

"Read it..." GIR wheezed creepily. He was lying on the floor, clutching the book.

Zim shook his head.

"Nyah, nyah!" Minimoose tapped Zim's head with his antler nubs. In them, he held a book.

"Hmm," Zim grabbed the book from the purple robot moose's antlers."'PCs For Dumb People'. Heyyy! What are you trying to say- -Minimoose? Where did you go? Ah, forget it!"

"READ IT..." GIR thrust his book into Zim's face.

The Irken grabbed the book and smashed it over GIR's head."NO! I need more!"

"Master, books can be borrowed from the library or purchased at your local book store," sighed Computer.

"...of course! Zim knew that!" he told his computer proudly."Yes! I shall read books at the library, and the book store, and then Dib and his little UFO Club won't stand a chance! Aha! HAhaha! Oh, just thinking about it makes me laugh! Ahahaha!"

XXXXXXLATERXXXXXXX

Zim went to the library, as it was not too far away. That, and he only had Irken monies and no Earth money with which to buy books from the book store...

He was just browsing around...there weren't really any books that interested him. Of course, Zim was never much of a literary person. Reading took up too much time he could spend scheming, inventing or destroying. Those were things he enjoyed, not so much the "book" part of science.

Fortunately, Zim managed to find a section of the library labeled "Conquest of the Planet". Just what he needed.

"Now, let's see...ah." Zim picked a random book from the shelf."This should do nicely. NOW TO READ!"

Several people shushed him, but he didn't pay any attention to them.

Deciding to get comfortable, Zim carried the book over to a little beanie chair and sat down. There, he began reading.

"'The Key To World Conquest, by Mr. Scolex. When plotting rule of the earth, one must always employ the use of piggies, as the swine provide the most comical form of doom...'"

XXXXXXXTHATNIGHTXXXXXXX

In his green puppy disguise, GIR crashed through the window of the library. Soon, he found Zim, surrounded by mountains of books from the shelves. Apparently, the library staff hadn't noticed him there when they closed...

"Master!" GIR cried."I found you! You're out past your bedtime again!"

Zim looked up from his novel."GIR, how many times must I tell you, I DON'T SLEE- -WHOA, since when is it night time? How long have I been here?"

"All day!" GIR slid down a slope of books and landed next to his master.

"CURSE YOU, LITERATURE!" Zim threw his current book to the floor."You see?! THIS is why I never got into reading! All it does is waste lives! And that's MY job as an invader! To lay waste to the lives of others! But no! I've spent all day, READING, and sitting in this stupid...bean thing!"

"BEANS!" GIR bit into the beanie chair, and all those little beanie things came flooding out. GIR tried to eat them, but he just ended up choking on most of them.

Zim sighed heavily."At the very least, I was able to gain some valuable information. GIR, we're leaving!"

"My beans!"

XXXXXXXMONDAYXXXXXXX

Zim had "borrowed" (stolen) a few more books from the library and spent the entire remainder of his weekend studying for the Book Club's first official meeting. He was now fully prepared to rule the world, and boy, was he excited.

He was marching down the skool hallway at a quick pace, head held high in Irken pride as usual, when you-know-who interrupted him.

"Hey, Zim!"

Zim instinctively turned around to face his enemy, Dib, just a few feet away. He frowned at the sight of him. That HEAD...so BIG...

"Why, hello, Dib! Pleasant day, huh?" Zim asked, trying to be casual. He didn't want Dib finding out about his secret book plan.

"So, have you decided on a club to join?" asked Dib, ignoring Zim's question."Or are you going to succumb to Ms. Bitters's whole...horrible fate thing?"

Zim and Dib could practically hear their teacher growling.

"Oh, no horrible fate for Zim," Zim replied."You see, human, I HAVE joined a club! And when the week of clubbing is complete, I shall be ruler of the earth! I don't suppose your UFO Club covers anything of the sort!"

"No club can possibly help you take over, Zim! And if one CAN, I'll find out and end it right there!" Dib finished his heroic monologue and dashed off up the hall.

Zim simply shook his head."That child really is all kinds of crazy..."

Finally, Zim found the room that was hosting the book club. The same poster he had seen before was stuck to the door. Zim imagined himself in place of the boy atop the earth with the book and grinned.

His anticipation boiling over, Zim opened the door.

Within, he found...a small, triangular room with a few chairs. Sitting upon one was a woman. She was middle-aged, wore a business suit and cat eye glasses, and her frizzy, red hair up in a loose bun. Bored, she typed away on a laptop.

"Who are you?" Zim asked her.

She looked up from the laptop."I'm the skool librarian. I organized Book Club."

Zim paid his respect by bowing slightly."Zim is ready to unleash literary doom, great librarian."

"Uh, alright. Take a seat, we'll get started."

Zim did so and the librarian went back to typing. The small Irken looked around at the empty seats.

"Um, where IS everybody?"

The librarian checked a sheet of paper from her clipboard."You're the only member."

Zim turned pink, recalling what he said to Dib last week about only having one person in his club. Then he continued to wait. The typing noise irritated him...

"Sooo," Zim attempted to make it less awkward."What is it that Zim should do first?"

"Huh? Oh, you can read, or...something..." responded the librarian.

"YESSIR!" Zim saluted loudly, startling her. The woman shushed him, but he ignored her and chose a book from the little bookcase on the floor beside him.

"Reading, reading..."

XXXXXXXHOURSLATERXXXXXXX

"LIBRARY HUMAN!"

"HUH?!" The librarian woke with a start. Zim was kneeling upon her lap, leaning into her face.

"Zim has finished reading ALL of the books in the room, milord!"

"Oh, that's-that's great..."

"Is he ruler of the earth yet?!"

"Kid, I think you spend too much time in the sun."

Zim carefully lowered himself to the floor."What are you saying? Is my training complete? Have I gained enough vital knowledge?"

The librarian sighed."I'm saying, what do you think this club is for?"

"Learning to rule the world, of course!"

"Yes!"

"Yes?"

"YES! The world of your imagination!"

"...what?" Now Zim was confused.

The librarian stood, smiling."It's true! You are the ruler of your own imaginary domain, and books can help you reach new places! All these stories, exotic locations, complex characters, beds made out of weenies! Each book takes you somewhere new, helping you get to know YOUR own imaginary world!"

Zim's eyes grew wide and sparkly."That's...so...STUPID!" he finished, scowling.

The librarian frowned."Well, too bad. You'll have to deal with it for the rest of the week. Just like everyone else."

She sat down and got back to working on her romantic King Of The Hill fanfiction.

Zim stood in the middle of the room, furious, of course. False advertizing had gotten the better of him. Most of his hopes and drea- -well, okay, his hopes were pinned on this club, and he barely got anything out of it. Plus, he was stuck with this crazy lady for the next four or so days.

"Ohhh...BEANS!" Zim screeched in anger.

The librarian's head snapped in his direction."Oh, NO. We do NOT condone language like that here!"

She grabbed Zim by the collar and kicked him out the door. She made sure to shut it behind her.

Zim had no idea what just happened.

"Well, so much for that..." he mumbled, dusting off his tunic.

Then he noticed something quivering in front of him. The black grout between the floor tiles was widening and expanding. It kept growing and shaping itself until it took the form of Ms. Bitters, glowering down at Zim.

"Zim! You've been kicked out of your club! I figured you would have lasted at least a day, but like everything else in life, you've failed. You shall now suffer a horrible fate."

XXXXXXXINANOTHERDIMENSIONXXXXXXX

Gray dirt was all there was to see for miles. Dry, gnarled black trees peppered the area. The void of nothingness that was the sky was speckled with sapphire swirls and squiggles. In this horrible dimension, a portal opened before its two unfortunate inhabitants.

"Here! I have another nuisance for you!" Ms. Bitters tossed Zim on top of Dib and the Wilderness Club representative.

"You are all to stay here in this desolate wasteland until Club Week has ended!" declared Ms. Bitters. She backed out of vortex and it disappeared.

"Yay! A new reject!" the blond boy clapped his hands.

"Great, Zim!" Dib groaned."If I'm going to be trapped here, it may as well be with the two most annoying people on the planet!"

"How do you think ZIM feels right now, Earth larva?!" Zim replied hotly."It is not HIS fault that you...how did you get kicked out of your club, anyway?"

"You don't want to know."

"But I do."

"...you REALLY don't want to know."

Zim eyed him curiously."OKAY, THEN..."

The wilderness kid pulled them both into a hug."Let's sing a song!"

"NO!"

This was going to be a long week...

(A/N: Wow, that took forever. But it was so freaking long, though. Anywho, I edited this a lot, and I'm pretty pleased with it overall. I tried to make it sort of like an episode, but I don't know about that...stupid school posters...giving me stupid ideas...

Anyway, I hope you liked it! Please review and fave, BUT DON'T FOLLOW, BECAUSE IT'S COMPLETE, and check out my other stories by heading to my profile! Maybe you'll find something else you like!

Also inform me of any mistakes, please! I make them a lot lately, I think I'm dyslexic...But, again, I edited a bunch, so don't stress it.

Au revoir!

PS, trust me. You DO NOT want to know what Dib did. What happens in UFO Club STAYS in UFO Club...)


End file.
